A little bit of depression

Over the last week or so I realized that I have a bit of depression going on.  I am not entirely sure why but I know that it is there.  I have not properly cleaned my house since November.  I have lacked on making the kids do it.  I am WAY behind on my laundry.  I guess it just all came to head today.  My friend that used to live here and moved away came for a visit.  I was actually embarrassed by my house.  I explained to her that I have been depressed for a while now and it all started right before Kal's surgery.  I realized that I could possibly lose my husband.  He could die.  I was so scared and I never let on to that.  I put on the fake front ever...and if you know me...you know that is not how I am.  I am usually a wear it right out there in front of everyone and hold nothing back.  With the spinal fusion that Kal was about to have, for whatever reason, I was so scared inside but I didn't let anyone know.  I held it all inside.  I kept that all to myself.  After the surgery and I knew that he was going to be ok, I am not sure what I felt.  I had been taking care of him for so long.  I had been doing so much.  I almost felt like once he got better that he wasn't going to need me anymore.  I thought that he was going to get this new found energy and realize that he no longer wanted to be with someone that would hold him back.  I should not say almost felt because that is how I felt.  Now I am realizing that he is not going to leave me.  That I am the one that he wants.  It is still hard.  I cleaned a little today.  I am home for most of this week and I am planning on cleaning.  I need to do it.  I need to force myself.  I need this place to be clean.  I just really hate doing it when it is this bad.  So wish me luck on getting it all done.  I would love to have everything done tomorrow so that when Kal comes home he is surprised but I am fairly sure that is not going to happen.  There is so much to do around here.